July 5, 2012

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if you had a get out of jail free card in your wallet? After talking with local law enforcement officers following a recent traffic stop involving a truckload of illegal immigrants, it sounds like the next best thing might be to have nothing in your wallet, as least as far as legal documentation goes.

I received a few phone calls from some irate residents wondering why these guys made off like banditos, without even a written warning, while any card-carrying citizen of the United States would have been shelling out the bucks for fines, court costs and legal fees.

Guess that's just one of the perks of being an illegal alien.

I'll give the local guys their due, at least they were smart enough not to waste any more time on this case when they found out the federal agencies responsible for enforcing our nation's immigration laws, had no intentions of doing so.

Granted, there are more than 11 million illegal immigrants in the United States and it isn't practical to expect they all be deported, not even delving into the moral question should they be.

Still, doing nothing seems to be a poor mission statement for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.

Can we at least detain these folks, until they become documented "guests"?

All I can see is that crooked South African official from the old Mel Gibson movie, Lethal Weapon, shouting diplomatic immunity in the faces of the police as he commits crimes without fear of arrest. It appears the new diplomatic immunity is illegal alien status.

Many of you have probably seen this letter, which allegedly dates back to July of 2009, but it's too good not to share again.

(Editor's note, while there appears to be a Donald Ruppert who resides in Burlington, I was unable to verify the authenticity of the specifics of this correspondence via Snopes or other urban legend websites.)

The following letter was sent by an Iowan to Senator Tom Harkin (D-IA) asking for the forms necessary to become an illegal alien.

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be

illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Donald Ruppert

Burlington, IA

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