June 5, 2003

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if I worked all night on the fair book and didn't have time to write a hard-hitting column? Then I might turn to the old e-mail box for a little help from the jokesters that pass along their humor to me.

I've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of our office.

Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Whinin, Bin Lunchin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

I guess this doesn't really qualify as a joke but I enjoyed the sarcastic humor anyway and I was born in the 70's.

Amazing! - I Can't believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with our friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever. We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it. And you're one of them! Congratulations. Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before lawyers and government regulated our lives for our own good!!!

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