November 21, 2002

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if the newspaper editor spent all week chasing deer and didn't get his editorial written? He might turn to his email for a little humor to hopefully bring a smile to readers faces (and also make them forget he was to busy looking for the trophy buck to get his work done.)

I always start this column in the form of a question so here are some other queries for you to ponder.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme junk, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a "Broker"?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

For those who don't like unanswered questions, here's a little humor that I got in my regular mail from a subscriber.

A State Trooper stopped a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Approaching the car he noticed there were five old ladies inside, all wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The elderly driver rolled down her window and stated "Officer what seems to be the problem, I was doing exactly the speed limit, I always do. What seems to be the problem."

The officer replied that she was in fact not speeding but was going too slow, which can be quite dangerous.

"But officer I was driving exactly 22 MPH like it says right there on the sign."

The officer noted that she had mistaken the Route 22 sign for a speed limit marker.

The woman was a bit embarrassed and thanked the officer for his help.

But the trooper noticed that the passengers in the car still seemed a bit shaken by the encounter. He asked the ladies if they were okay.

The driver responded "Oh, they'll be okay in a bit, we just got off Route 119."

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