February 14, 2002

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if some wild animal was threatening your safety? Say you went on a camping trip to Canada and there was a grizzly bear that came into your camp one night and scared everyone. The campers all join together and build a trap for the threat, and after great effort by all your camping allies, you capture the beast. Would you then transport him home with you when you returned to Missouri? Well that is sort of how I feel about all of the Taliban terrorists being transported from Afghanistan to the U.S. military base in Cuba. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that our military is more than capable of taking care of this job, but still I would have been more comfortable if we could have sent them somewhere a little further away. Besides Cuba is like a tropical resort. Why not make a deal with Russia to send them to Siberia. They should have plenty of room in all of the old political exile prisons there since the fall of Communism. I just can't shake the images of all of the "boat people" that have fled from Cuba to Florida, making the short trip across the sea in even the most unbelievable boats. If Osama is still out there, I'm sure he can spend some of that $300 million he reportedly has to buy a few sea-worthy ships to help them make the trip. Plus we do not have the best of relations with the host nation there, so if by some extraordinary measures some of these terrorists escape it's not like Fidel will be personally leading the manhunt to track them down. Shoot he might lend them his personal jet, well only if he doesn't want it back. Speaking of Osama and all his money, I got some recent email regarding the terrorist leader that I found rather amusing and thought I would pass on to you readers. I think David Letterman said it best when he sarcastically remarked "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." Jay Leno also questioned bin Laden's ethics regarding his personal financing. "This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." I see that I am not the only one concerned about homeland security. Mr. Leno also has some concern, but he has a possible solution as well. "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration," Leno said. And last but not least, in the spirit of my political correctness column of a few weeks ago, I refer to Jay Leno one final time. "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."

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