October 4, 2001

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if we could replace the tears of tragedy with a smile and a laugh? If you read my other column this week, you'll know I just returned from vacation on Monday, so I was a bit pressed for time going into the deadline. At the same time, I felt like with all the tragedy in the news, readers might appreciate a few reasons to laugh. I found these "Ponderisms" that I received in my E-mail rather amusing and thought I would share them with you.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he or she become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They're just stale bread to begin with.

9. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

13. Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners

depressed?

16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

18. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while

they delivered the mail?

22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

23. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

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