July 12, 2001

What if?

by Chris Feeney

What if I was at the fairgrounds all week and really didn't get a fair chance to tackle some important issue in the news for this week's editorial? Well if that were the case, I might turn to my infamous e-mail bag and pull out a few of those funny things I am sent from time to time. I truly enjoy bringing smiles to the reader's face, so if I am unable to do it with a witty dismantling of a politician or some crazy new public policy, I might as well do it with a few simple jokes.

I am sort of partial to these word games so I thought I would share this piece, entitled "Words for Thought".

1.) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2.) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station....

3.) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4.) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5.) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6.) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

7.) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8.) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.

9.) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."

I once saw the master of this type of comedy, Steven Wright, in concert while I was in school in Columbia. While that was several years ago I still remember several of my favorite Steven Wright lines:

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that longÖ"

"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

And my personal favorite:

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

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